And Yet, I am Disappointed

2005-01-27T20:27:00.000-08:00

Day two of the Amazing Life of a Telemarketer.

I am sad to report that I was pulled aside today and informed that I am "unproductive" and "let's give it one more day and see how it goes, hmm?" Yes. I think he was trying to fire me. Yes, I think so, I am sad too. We shall cry together. But I really need money!! Please don't fire me!!

But here are the additives for today:

TM: "Hi, my name is Medea and I am calling on behalf of the Gazette. I was wondering if you have read a copy of the Gazette lately?"
CL: "Uhh....no one is here"
Then who am I talking to? The answering machine?

TM: "Hi, my name is Medea, and I am calling from the Gazette. I was wondering if you have read a copy of the Gazette lately?"
CL, who is actually around the age of 4: "Mommy, mommy, it's Aunt Medea. But she said she's a Gazzy Lady."
Mom: "A what? If it's Aunt Medea, then say "hi Aunt Medea".
CL: "but she said she's a gazzy lady!"
I'm laughing out loud at this point.
Mother comes on the phone.
Mom: "Hello."
I repeat my shpeel.
Mom: "Oh, we're not interested, thank you."
About to hang up, but they haven't.
CL: "Mommy, why did you say to say hi to Aunt Medea if it wasn't Aunt Medea?"
Mom: "Because, we...." mumbles and hangs up

TM: "Hello, my name is Medea" and blah blah blah, you should know it by now.
CL: "Yeah, I don't want the newspaper. I don't read it."
TM: "Oh, then how do you generally get your news?"
CL: "Yeah, I avoid the news."

TM: "Hello, my name is Medea....." etc. etc. etc.
CL: "I don't read the Gazette."
TM: "Oh, then can I ask which newspaper you do read?"
CL: "The Times and I read it online."
TM: "Perhaps then you would like to try the Gazette and compare?"
CL: "Um, no. Your newspaper is full of lies and it is wrong. The internet is a more reliable source of information."
Yeah, because only informed and unbiased people know how to make a website and post online. Yeah, the internet. So reliable.

TM: "Hi, my name is Medea......" do I really have to write the rest of it?
CL: "Just one moment please."
pause
pause
.....
I hear a tv in the background, they haven't hung up
pause
pause
..........
do do do do do do do
pause
look around
still hear the tv
wait, is that breathing?
yeah, ok, silence. Automatic call back it is!

That was my lack of fun for tonight. We'll see what fun tomorrow brings. And if I still have a job!

Satan's Minion is Born

2005-01-26T11:39:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday, January 25, 2005 Anno Domine, I, Medea, became a minion of the Western Corporate Capitolist Satan; yes, that is correct. I became a telemarketer.
Now, I have always believed that telemarketers were people and that there was no need to be rude, even if justifiably annoyed. I have discovered that not everyone subscribes to this moral opinion.

I work for a company that sells subscriptions for a large, national newspaper. I sit in a cubicle staring at a computer that is straight from the mid 90's, and wait for the beep in my hands free headphones phone to let me know that the computer has dialed for me, as it is random dialing in a geographic area. Because it is a national newspaper, we sell all over the country. That means that although I live and work in Toronto, I can still call Alberta, Manitoba, and BC. Yes, I call everywhere. I am waiting for the day that I call my mother.

As the hours of my first shift dwindled, I started conversing and swapping stories with the telemarketer who shared my temporary cublicle. Between calls, we laughed over the entertaining responses we had received to our calls; I realized that the whole world deserved to read what some people say, or do to telemarketers. Some are funny, some are rude, some are strange.

But before we get to the feature presentation, I would first like to tell you some things you need to know about the telemarketing world.

1. Never hang up on a telemarketer. All calls need to have a termination code explaining the reason for the end of the call. If you hang up without responding to the telemarketer, you are automatically given the "automatic call back" code. Your friendly telemarketer will be calling you again in three days.

2. If you are seriously not interested in the product being sold, do not make excuses for it. Each telemarketer is given a script to follow with a list of rebuttals for each excuse given. Each excuse you make will keep you longer on the phone; simply say "I'm not interested" and end the call. There is a "not interested" code, so you will be called back in about a year.

3. If you do not like getting telemarketing calls, here's a suggestion: simply request that you are removed from the list. You will be.

And now for our feature presentation.

Disclaimer: all names of people and products have been change on the slight chance that my boss may read this and I or my co-workers get in a lot of trouble.

TM (Telemarketer--me!): "Hi, my name is Medea and I am calling on behalf of the Gazette Newspaper. Have you read the Gazette recently?"
CL (client): "No, dear. I'm 92. I don't need a newspaper!"

TM: "Hi, my name is Medea, and I'm calling on behalf of the Gazette Newspaper. Have you read a copy of the Gazette recently?"
CL: "No."
TM: "Oh, you haven't? Well, I would just like to inform you then that the Gazette has reformated. We have more graphics and expanded sections, such as the Arts, Careers, and Sports Section. We are having a great promotion right now that we would like to offer you, where you can receive a third off the regular newsstand price. Is this something that you would be interested in sir?"
CL: "No." (*mind you, the CL has yet to say anything but this*)
pause
TM: "Well, then, may I ask how you receive your news?"
CL: "I don't."
TM, grasping for straws here: "Would you perhaps like to try the Gazette to see if you like it?"
CL: "No."
awkward pause
TM: "Are you currently reading another newspaper?"
CL: "No."
holy crap man! then just say your not interested!
TM: "Well, the Gazette is one of the nation's best newspapers. Perhaps you would like to start reading it and become informed?"
CL: "No."
I hate calls like this.

Each call that is made, the name and address of the person being called shows up on the computer screen. This particular call showed that I was calling a Paul Martin (real name), who did not live in Ottawa.
TM with a smile and a bit of a laugh in my voice: "Hi, my name is Medea and I am calling on behalf of the Gazette Newspaper. Have you had a chance to read the Gazette lately?"
CL: "No, eh, I read the Collingwood (fake name) Daily News, eh."
TM is biting tongue trying not to laugh. Paul Martin is apparently related to Mike from Canmore.
TM: "That's great, sir. But did you know that the Gazette has been reformated and we have expanded many of our sections, like the Sports, Arts and Careers. We are having a special promotion right now. Would you be interested?"
CL: "Oh, no. I live in Collingwood, eh, and I read the Collingwood Daily News, eh. That's what I read, the Collingwood Daily News, eh, because that's where I live eh."
Medea apparently really did call the real Paul Martin.

A call to Edmonton. You know who you are guy.
TM: "Hi, bla blah blah." I didn't feel like writing it out again. I say it for five hours.
CL, in a happy cheery voice: "No, I haven't read the Gazette recently. But let me get you someone for you who has!"
TM: "Great, thank you!"
Finally, a nice guy. That's great of him to do that. pause pause. Is that music? Why did he put the phone down next to a speaker? pause pause. finger tap, finger tap. That music is awefully loud to be right next to the phone. That's not a nice thing to do. But he probably didn't realize that he did that. pause. Wait.....did I just hear that lyric correctly? Push my headphones to my ears...........I think.......oh, you stinking bastard! "Why don't you just fuck off, fuck off, just fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, why don't you just fuck off!" Ummm.....no. Why don't I just put you on the automatic call back, then. Someone will call you back in three days. Have a nice day!

This one was to Vancouver, you know, little China? I get a lot of calls like this.
TM: "Hi, my name is Medea, and I am calling on behalf of the Gazette Newspaper. Have you had a chance to read the Gazette recently?"
CL: "I no understand. What say?"
TM: "The Gazette. I..am..calling..from..the..Gazette."
CL: "I no speak Engwish, I sorry I sorry I sorry."
I think she actually started to cry.

And my favourite for the evening. This one was to Kelowna, or was it Kamloops?
TM: "Hi, my name is Mede....a...."
My tongue stops working and my stomach falls to my feet and my jaw follows suit. Wainwright, the computer says Wainwright! Wainwright! OMG, I'm talking to a Wainwright!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A Wainwright, a Wainwright, OMG, it's a Wainwright!!!!!!!!
TM: "Umm.....and I'm, umm.....calling from the Gazette. Have you read one......a newspaper.....a Gazette I mean, recently?"
CL: "No, I haven't."
TM: "Oh well, did you know......." and on goes the speech.....please don't hang up, you're a Wainwright, I love Wainwrights, you could be his cousin, or his uncle. But I am dying to ask, ARE YOU RELATED TO RUFUS??????? Please don't hang up on me, I support your family!
CL: "I'm not interested, but thank you."
NOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! You hung up! But you're a Wainwright.
*If anyone out there knows if Rufus has family in BC, I would love to know!

The Amazing Life of a Telemarketer

And Yet, I am Disappointed

Satan's Minion is Born